1. My New Year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
2. Every year on New Year’s Eve, when everyone’s counting down the final ten seconds to ring in the new year, I get up off the couch and stand up. I stand up and raise my left leg and just leave it raised for a little while until the countdown finishes and midnight strikes, so that I always start the new year off on the right foot.
3. New Year? I just got used to this last one!
4. My wife still hasn’t told me what my New Year’s resolutions are.
5. “I promise not to make any bad jokes for the rest of the year.” — A dad on New Year’s Eve
6. A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
7. My New Year’s resolution is 1080p.
8. If 2018 was a person, I’d sue him for pain and suffering and lost wages.
9. May all your troubles last as long as your New Year resolutions.
10. This New Year’s I resolve to be less awesome since that is really the only thing I do in excess.
11. My New Year’s resolution is to break my New Year’s resolutions. That way I succeed at something!
12. New Year’s is just a holiday created by calendar companies who don’t want you reusing last year’s calendar.
13. My New Year’s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.
14. I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.
15. I love when they drop the ball in Times Square. It’s a nice reminder of what I did all year.
16. My resolution was to read more so I put the subtitles on my TV.
17. An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.
18. On New Year’s Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
Well, as the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.
19. If you’re born in September, its pretty safe to assume your parents started out the New Year with a bang!
20. What happened to the Irish man who thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year? He gave up thinking.
21. Where can you find comedians on New Year’s Eve? Waiting for the punchline.
22. A drunk man comes inside a bar and says, “Happy New Year, everybody.” “It’s June, you drunk,” replies the waiter.
The drunk man looks at his watch and says, “Oh my god, my wife is going to kill me! I have never been so late in my life!”
23. Every New Year’s Day, I have the same question: “How did I get home?”
24. My brother’s New Year’s resolution is to move out of my parents’ house. You’d think after 49 years, he’d try another one.