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You remind me of a software update. Whenever I see you, I usually think ‘not now’

Not everyone will get it. Move on.

My ex and I divorced for religious reasons. He thought he was god and I didn’t

Sometimes I can’t figure out if I’m in pre-school or high school. Oh wait, I’m at work

I’m not always sarcastic … Sometimes I’m sleeping

Everyone is all like I love Trump and I love Hilary and I’m over here like I love wine

If everywhere you go there’s a problem, guess what!

On a scale of one to ten, how focused are you?

You’re the she to my nanigans